And I’m All The Way Back Up To 52.5kg. 4 Kg In 4 Days. I Was Literally Less Than A Kg Away From My

I just finished having the worst binge episode of my life. I’ve gone from 51.9kg to 56kg in the span of 2 days, consumed more than 10,000 calories, 3k at least in the past hour.

It was so disgusting, I sat on the floor shoving food down my throat, throwing up then continuing eating. It spilled everywhere, ice cream all though my carpet, all through my clothes. I tried to purge it out but nothig came up but drool. I sat in that, the drool, leftover throw up and food for what felt like 30 minutes. My stomach hurts, it looks disgusting and I’ve lost my thigh gap.

I was 2 weeks binge free, and now I’ve gone and messed it all up. I don’t even know what to do. My only plan is to take all my laxatives, walk until my legs give out, and cut myself.

I’m never eating again.

I binged again, to no ones surprise. I’m such a failure, not just at this but at everything in my life, this is just making me realise that more than I usually would I guess. I don’t think fasting is gonna work out for me, I have too much of a mental block from it right now so I think I’ll just go back to 400 cals a day and progressively increase the intermittent fasting hours if that makes sense. I don’t even know, I’m just itching for some sort of control, a way to prove to myself that I can do something right.

Day 3 of fasting, feeling too depressed to get my steps in yet again so I’m just gonna keep going and I’ll break it tmr afternoon maybe

My laxatives didn’t work because I took less than my tolerance so I have to wait until tomorrow to weigh myself now😔

Also I’m so mad at myself I was blessed with such a good day yesterday like I had the energy to get my 20k steps and wasn’t hungry at all but I still decided to eat and not take it as an opportunity to fast RAHHH

Whatever, today I’m not feeling great and don’t have a lot of energy so I’m just gonna try get my 10-15k steps and liquid fast.

Man I took 15+ laxatives last night and it has barely effected me, I fear I have developed a tolerance smh 😔

Guys fhis is a new low, not only did I spend yesterday and today binging because I was with my friend but when I tried to purge it up just now I missed the toilet bowl and projectile vomited all over my bathroom (didn’t even get much up anyways so it was a waste of time).

I’m so done, I don’t even know what to do at this point I’m just so ashamed. I want this all to stop I want someone to help me but I can’t bring myself to ask for help because I’m too fat and not sick enough to warrant even needing any help. My only hope is death, but I don’t want to die fat, but I can’t keep living like this.

while i am very pro-recovery, i am also very very pro bodily autonomy. many people don't get to make all the choices in their life that they wanna make. forcing someone to lose their connections (maybe like getting their acc t3rmlnat3d here) or irl, forcing someone to recover oftentimes doesn't help anyone.

instead of trying to isolate someone from a space where they feel safe, maybe take a step back and ask yourself why you feel so strongly? why do you think t3rmlnatlng an account will help anyone? @n@ **IS** a disorder. terming an account won't magically get rid of that. will making someone start a new account and start over in finding community and comfort do anyone any good?

that isn't harm reduction. i see harm reduction posts EVERYDAY in this community. sharing what supplements/vitamins, sharing healthy low c@l recipes that still give people their nutrients they need, haircare/skincare tips, etc.

i urge people who chronically try to isolate people from what an individual feels helps them, to just think for a minute about what your clear objective is.

also, to the @n@ community; PLEASE try to pay attention to selfcare/harm reduction tips that you may stumble across on here, or even google stuff like "supplements for people who dont get enough nutrients". anything like that you can think of, really.

Life may be shit and I may be failing at both my job and education but atleast I got my bffs and the sense of control from restriction to keep me going 💪💪

It’s really hit me over the past couple days how much my disordered eating has taken over my life, it’s like I no longer have a personal life outside of it. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep all I can think about is food and weight, I spend my days inside rather rotting in my bed scrolling through ED content or I’m walking for hours on end, waiting for tomorrow to come to see if I’m any closer to my GW. I don’t have any hobbies and I self isolate, going days without talking to anyone besides my immediate family.

I don’t even know how to feel, it’s like I don’t feel anything at all. I’m honestly pretty ambivalent to it, in retrospect it’s depressing but like Im still fat, it’s only been 7 weeks since I relapsed and I don’t feel like I’m sick enough, I still have so far to go and so much to lose.

Debating if I should get sushi & miso soup before work or just stick to my regular toast hmm hmmmm