Praying That I Somehow Lose Like A Kilo And A Half Overnight So I Can Get Back Down To The Lower End

Just weighed myself for the first time since Sunday and apparently I weigh 0.1kg less than I did before I binged. Honestly I think my scale might be broken, or skinny fat has just got me in a crazy chokehold because I look way too fat to be BMI 16.3

I COULD BEEN AT MY GOAL WEIGHT BY NOW IF I JUST DIDNT FUCKING EATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Managed to shoot all the way from 50.7kg to 51.5 overnight, I feel so discouraged. I’m never binging again.

Genuinely debating if I should try and kms tonight to get out of work tmr because I cannot do 6 and a half hours in that hell, if I don’t does anyone else have any ideas?

Binged really bad yesterday, was only able to purge like under a quarter of it up before my throat began to burn too much so I took a little more than 15 laxatives I think. I feel and look so disgusting, the binge wasn’t even enjoyable. I want to water fast for the next 3 days to clear my system, but theres this voice inside my head that keeps trying to get me to binge again “it’s only 1 more day” “you still have food left in the freezer you can binge on, you don’t want to waste it after spending so much money on it do you” “you can just purge it out” “if you don’t binge now you not be able to ever again” and bullshit like that. I’m not even hungry, I’m still sickly full despite purging and digesting most of it, but I just want to eat.

Binging will be the death of me, if not by physically causing me to have a heart attack then most definitely by making me kill myself.

I’m actually losing my mind somebody sedate me

I’ve bee stuck in 53kg jail for the past 3 days now despite consistently getting 20k steps, eating under 600 calories and abusing the hell out of laxatives. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can get out of this plateau? I’m thinking of just fasting until the number drops.

BMI 18.1 IM SO CLOSE TO BEING UNDERWEIGJT BMI 17 LET ME INNNN

I’ve got some social outings planned this week and I’m shitting bricks, I’m hanging out with my friend tomorrow arvo which I’m not too concerned about because I can just make believable excuses but I’m having a 2 night sleepover with my best friend and I have no idea how I’m gonna restrict without it causing red flags (they know about my disordered behaviours) but I refuse to binge again or eat over my cal limit so if anyone has any ideas for excuses or ways to discreetly get rid of food they would be greatly appreciated 🙏🙏

It just hit me that I don’t want recovery, I just want to be happy.

And I know that recovery won’t change anything, eating won’t cure me of my depression so what’s the point. I don’t know how to feel now to be honest, I’ve romanticised getting sick enough to recover for so long because I thought it would bring that happiness but it won’t so now I don’t know what to do. I think that’s why I’ve been so suicidal lately, because I know deep down I’m just gonna be miserable forever no matter what I do so what’s the point in living at all.