It Just Hit Me That I Don’t Want Recovery, I Just Want To Be Happy.

Sadly still painfully bloated y’all, my mums gonna get me some medication to try flush it out but if it doesn’t work I gotta go to the doctor #prayforme

After a particularity gruelling binge last night, I am as of now officially back up to my highest weight of 57kg. A month and a half of restricting, almost 7 whole kg lost, all gained back in the span of 6 days. This feels like a nightmare that I just want to wake up from, I want it all to stop but it won’t. Im in so much pain, I just to purge it all out but I can’t because barely anything comes out when I try to make myself vomit and I have to wait until tonight to take any laxatives because I don’t want to risk shitting myself at work. I feel so alone, I just want this all to end. I dont want to lose my friends but I can’t control myself around them, not like I used to be able too. I can’t take another week of this constant binging because I’m hanging out with them every single fucking day. I just can’t do this, I don’t know what to do.

Honestly so excited for school starting tomorrow, I love the routine and it gives me something to do and think about besides my disordered eating :)

All I wanted was to OMAD a hot cross bun but ofc they are all sold out smh😔

Got a sugar free drink instead of the 300 calorie one I wanted #miserablebutlockedin

Considering the amount of medication I’ve taken today to rid myself of this water weight and bloating I better wake up underweight and with a squeaky clean bowel can I hear an amen 🙏

I’ve gotten so lazy and lenient with myself lately no wonder I’ve been binging so much, come back honeymoon phase you left me so soon 🙏🙏

My laxatives didn’t work because I took less than my tolerance so I have to wait until tomorrow to weigh myself now😔

Also I’m so mad at myself I was blessed with such a good day yesterday like I had the energy to get my 20k steps and wasn’t hungry at all but I still decided to eat and not take it as an opportunity to fast RAHHH

Whatever, today I’m not feeling great and don’t have a lot of energy so I’m just gonna try get my 10-15k steps and liquid fast.

I used to love baking before I relapsed, I really miss it. Hopefully one day, if I finally get sick enough to deserve recovery, I can start doing it again.

BRO WHY DID I HAVE TO START MAINTAINING LITERALLY 0.2KG AWAY FROM MY GW WHAT THE FREAK I LITERALLY FASTED YESTERDAY AND STILL MAINTAINED