Bpd Problems - Blog Posts
TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.
Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?
Snap
Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.
Snap
No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.
Snap
Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.
Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.
Snap
You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.
Repeat.
Every day.
Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.
Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.
I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?
I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-
I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.
Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.
I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)
When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.
Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.
They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.
My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it đ especially every morning on the phone.
I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.
Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?
I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.
Low key thinking I'm not ready for any relationship other than one with a therapist at this point. I need to get my shit together but y'know I have friends a boyfriend and a bunch of complicated feelings plus the burning want of affection. KMS istg.
s3xu@al assault really makes you feel like youâre only good for sex and sending nudes and that the only way to make things right with someone is letting them use your body huh hahahshhdbxnd
When you read about the âdark triadâ in psychology, but itâs really just a mic n match of your exes and love interestsđđ
âitâs your choiceâ âyou have optionsâ âyou know what to doâ actually i am very much not well and giving me a âchoiceâ that has no outcome that makes everyone feel good is making me wanna kms!!!
Unfortunately this sounds so me
date idea: u tell me exactly how u feel about me in specific detail until my brain calms down and stops thinking u hate me
It's amazing how fast you can be on the other side
...
Just a few minutes can end all of your suffering.
Just end. End of your mentally ill. End of your all insecurities. End of the reality you hate. End of the body pain.
...
Hm, i think that actually attempting was a big sign yk? But they just ignored that. It's just puberty, just the mistake of youth... No it's not.
And maybe, just maybe I failed because God or someone in the sky wanted me to do something on this Earth who knows? I still have something to do, something to feel, something to see as the person who actually is here now, not the next Incarnation who will be.
...
It's not the suicide letter, but I feel that suicide thought comes back....if I fail I hope you find my soul stuck in that text...
Oh nice she's ignoring me my bpd screams.
God damn how much I hate myself. I want to kms but I can't do it. So I will just eat something more today anddd I will make a new piercing instead of cutting.
you don't care you don't care you don't care about me. I told you. I told you and you only acknowledge it with a "oh" before changing topics. what's new. nothing's fucking new cause you don't care about me. you'll respond with the same thing if I told you I'll be bleeding out on the bathroom floor tonight.
its in my head that everyone hates me and will ignore me when I'm in an episode because that's what fucking happened today. i was right im always right about this, it always happens and I know it will happen. they will always ignore me. they don't care, they will always choose each other first before me.
if I don't refresh myself about something or why I have it often enough I believe I don't have it and everything's a lie and im completely normal and making everything up
my thoughts when someone says "I love you" is just
ha ha. no, you don't. you just love the idea and perception of me that I have given you. you don't love me.
WHY IS EVERYTHING SO GODDAMN COMPLICATED AND CONFUSING
all I keep thinking is
fuck you
and
i hate you
shut the fuck up just shut the fuck up
i hate you, I hate you all
i feel so bad to the point I wanna cut
also cry, but I can't cry so I'll just sit feeling like this
i can't get you to understand a single bit. so why bother trying, why dont I just leave again, and not temporarily this time.